


A Good Man Is Hard To Find

by handyhunter



Category: Deadpool - Fandom, Wolverine (2009)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-19
Updated: 2010-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-07 09:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handyhunter/pseuds/handyhunter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wade and Zero have sex and shenanigans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Good Man Is Hard To Find

High on Wade's list of priorities was to sit back, watch his shows and have a drink. And maybe something to kill and some money for it, but the other stuff first.

"My Spidey-senses are tingling," he said to Bea Arthur, "goddammit."

Blanche laughed at something Rose said, while Dorothy sighed long-sufferingly.

"I know just how you feel." In a fluid motion, he got to his feet, careful not to cause his chair to squeak, and picked up his katanas, which were resting next to him. "Okay, kids, play time."

He ducked as the first bullet shattered through the window. "That's gonna cost you!" he called out. Another bullet whizzed by his nose; Wade fought the urge to sneeze.

"I never miss."

Wade smiled winningly at the man who appeared at his window. "That was before you met me." He flicked his wrist, deflecting yet another bullet, blades flashing. "This is getting boring."

"I _never_ miss."

"Now you're just repeating yourself." Wade flipped himself over the kitchen counter. Plates shattered. "Hey, I was using those! You know who else said that? 'I never miss'," he mimicked in his version of an Irish accent. "Bullseye, in the Daredevil movie, and look what happened to him. Have you seen it? Foggy Nelson is moonlighting as Happy Hogan these days. Personally, I think it messes with the continuity of the movieverse--"

"Do you ever stop talking?" The well-dressed man with the sharp cheekbones and the guns had moved onto the mismatched glasses and coffee mugs now.

"Not really, no." Wade threw a glass shard at the other guy, nicking his cheek. "Has anyone told you you're hot when you're angry? And bleeding. And _unconscious!_" With a slight sigh of regret - this was the most fun he'd had in hours, but he was missing Bea - Wade walloped the agent in the noggin with the flat of his blade. Ooh, that was going to leave a mark. The suit crumpled to the ground.

***

"...the hell?"

"Oh, good, you're awake!" Wade pointed his beer at the tv, which had luckily survived their earlier shenanigans. "Just in time for the second round of _The Golden Girls_ marathon! You keep your eyes away from my Bea, and I won't have to knock you out again."

"Why...haven't...you killed me?"

Wade cocked his head. "I didn't think I was supposed to yet."

"Don't you want to know why I'm trying to kill you?"

"Not really." Wade fixed his eyes, but not literally!, back on the screen.

Three satisfying hours of Bea Arthur and her lady friends later, Wade's thoughts wandered in an easterly direction. "You're not The Cat, right?"

"Who? My name is _Agent Zero_." He said it louder this time, as if that would help Wade retain unimportant information like name, rank and who his boss was that wanted to kill Wade.

"Nah, didn't think so. Guns aren't his style. Also, I'd have been really disappointed if the tattoo wasn't real. And I already checked out your manly chest when you were passed out. No cat tat."

Zero stood up, having finally unstuck himself from the chair. The ragged edges of what used to be a nice white shirt fluttered around him. His guns were too far away to grab, with Wade between them, and bits of duct tape still stuck to his fingers. "Listen, uh, Wade. Don't take this the wrong way, but it's been awful knowing you. I'm not getting paid enough for this." He jumped out onto the fire escape. "I hope never to see - or hear - you again."

Wade stuck his head out his broken window and called out to Agent Zero in the black trench coat that made him look all mysterious and dark; he'd hit the ground running. "Hey! Do you _know_ The Cat? Could you introduce us? Wait for me!"

***

"_Secret Asian Man / Secret Asian Man / A Chinese Austin Powers / On a mission from Chairman Mao_," Wade sang, off-key, as he slashed through rope.

Zero groaned. "For the last time, I'm not Chinese."

Wade peered at him. "You look Asian." He shrugged. "Either way, you're good for racial diversity in my stories."

"I...don't even want to know what that means." Zero rubbed his wrists. "Where are my guns?"

Wade shrugged again. "Take these."

"Those are knives." Zero held one away from himself, eyeing it with great suspicion.

"Fine!" Wade took his knives back and stuck one in each boot where they belonged anyhow. "Use your kung-fu, then."

Zero did that thing with his eyebrows -- not like Hugh Jackman did as Wolverine. Zero's were more...furrowed.

Wade interpreted that to mean only one thing. "What kind of super Asian agent doesn't know kung-fu?!"

"I'm American!"

"Oh." Wade poked his head over their barrier and ducked down quickly before any one of the twelve guards spotted him. "You couldn't have said so sooner? Not that we can't take these guys, but Gambit might be a bit of a-- oh, shit."

A hand clamped on Wade's shoulder and a pair of red flicked eyes stared at him from under a fedora. "I hear you've been causing trouble in my city."

"Hang on a minute," Wade calculated in his head the possibility of getting away; it was always higher if he kept them distracted. "Do you mean Vancouver or New Orleans? Because that thing with the fire hydrants..."

Zero smiled just a bit wickedly. "He's all yours, Le Beau."

***

"That was a cruel yet admirable trick, back in New Orleans." Wade pressed the tip of his blade square into Zero's back. "Using yourself as bait. Nuh uh, none of that." He tapped Zero's hand, which was reaching for a gun, with his other sword, pointy side down; thin red lines of blood welled up on the back of Zero's hand.

And then Wade stepped back and sheathed his swords.

"That's it?" Zero turned around, clearly surprised -- and wary. He had both hands on his guns, but didn't draw them.

Wade walked off, projecting dejection. "There aren't any women in this, not even Irene or Domino. Gambit is boring. Too many card games, not enough killing. Plus, he had to go shoot his Friday night tv show and I wasn't allowed to go. Cyclops is waaaay too young -- and so totally not my type, do I look like Lee Forester, fic writer? I don't like shrimpboats! Mmm, shrimp... -- and Wolverine hasn't made an appearance yet. He's off doing Winchester brother things with Sabretooth who isn't even Sabretooth yet. _Canadians_."

"Are you done?" Zero fell into step beside him.

"Not even close!" Wade grinned at him. "You want to get drunk and kill things?"

***

"You planned all this? You hired me to kill you?"

They were well into their drunk stage of the evening. Wade let something slip that he hadn't exactly meant to be known. That was the trouble with secrets: keeping them. "I was bored. I thought you knew The Cat. I wasn't expecting you to interrupt Bea, though. That was uncalled for; I'll have to be clearer the next time I hire someone to try to kill me."

"I didn't think you had it in you."

"I'm a merc! This is what I do. ...Well, actually, it's more like I get hired than do the hiring."

"I meant the planning." Zero downed another shot.

***

Later, Wade found himself 3) blindfolded, 2) possibly drunk, b) blindfolded, 3) being led around by Zero, i) almost surely covered in blood, none of it his. "You know," he said conversationally, "there are lots of easier ways to get me in the sack."

Zero stuck an elbow in Wade's gut. "That's not the part I'm worried about."

"You know where I live." Wade stumbled, accidentally on purpose, and Zero hauled him upright again with his shirt; he could feel buttons popping off. "I can't know where you live? It's not like I couldn't track you if I really wanted to. You know, we could have gone to a motel, or even a back alley, if you're that -- mmmrpmph!"

Since he couldn't talk, Wade decided the next best thing would be to suck on Zero's fingers that were oh so conveniently covering his mouth. His blindfold fell off his head and he was looking into a pair of almost black eyes.

"I believe you said something about an alley?" Zero pressed Wade back until he hit brick and mortar. "How about I let you do whatever you want to me as long as you don't talk?"

Wade didn't last five minutes. Not the sex part so much, but the babbling; he couldn't help himself. Zero pulled a knife out of Wade's boot and trailed it lightly up his stomach, too light to break skin.

"I thought you didn't like knives," said Wade, when he could breathe.

"No, but you do." Zero fumbled with their zippers with his free hand. "And since you talked, it's my turn now."

***

"We could reenact that scene from _Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid_, if you like guns so much. You be Ella and I'll be Robert Redford, because I am prettier." Wade was sprawled in the alley, pretty sure that if someone wanted to kill him right this second, he'd have to let them; he wasn't sure his legs would ever support his weight again, and right now, that was fine with him. Most other days, a healing factor was high on his list of super-powers-that-would-be-cool-to-have, after telepathy and Dazzler's disco powers.

Zero had put himself back to order far too quickly, being that he could at least stand, even if he was propped against the wall. He pushed off it, staggering only a little, and gave Wade a careless salute. "Later, Wilson."

"This is the beginning of a terrible friendship, Zero! With lots and lots of meaningless sex!" Wade scrambled up, and found that his legs could hold him after all. He tried walking. "Hey," he slung an arm around Zero's shoulder, mostly for his own benefit, when he caught up, "do you ever feel inadequate standing next to Hugh Jackman's Wolverine? What happened to him being short?"

***

Too bad it could never last.

"No, Victor." Both Creed and Zero looked at Stryker in surprise. Creed always got sent on these missions. "Agent Zero," Stryker continued, "I have reason to believe you will be more successful against Wade Wilson. Bring him back...alive."


End file.
